Hell on Earth

Well I’m not sure what hell is like (I hear it’s a pretty terrible place), but if I was to guess I’d say it’s strikingly similar to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

In the first (I’m sure of many steps) to get my Motorcycle license, I found myself at the DMV the other day waiting to take the written test. However, before I could do this I of course had to stand in a never-ending ridiculously long line that didn’t move. (Actually, I’m typing this entry while I’m still in line. It’s been 3 days 4 hours and 11 mins. Please send food and help!! I’ve lost all feeling in my right side.)

Well, I won’t go into graphic detail about the idiocy of my full experience suffice it to say it left me with several questions:

1) Why does it take an hour (literally) to move 20 feet in line?

2) Why does our govt. employ only 2 workers when there are 50+ people waiting?

3) Why is it that there is always some guy who can’t read or speak English at the head of this line, all mad that he has to pay money (apparently licenses are free in his country), holding everyone up?

Silly Ahmed (yes that was his name)! If you could only read English you would have seen in 10 places that the fee you didn’t know you had to pay was $10 and wouldn’t have wasted my and everyone’s time. Oh by the way, I want that time back, and I’m coming looking for you….so have it ready!!

Needless to say, if you are curious to get a glimpse of things to come (if you’re a horrible person) or heard about this nasty place and want to see what hell is really all about. Stop by your local DMV. I’d recommend the Eagan, MN facility. It’s a sure fire way to drive you insane and reconsider being a heathen.

Moron School

So today I once again realized why software training classes for companies are a bad idea. Take a computer program that either (1) is already easy to use, so you don't need training, (2) obsolete, or (3) you will never need in a million years. Then throw in a little company policy and an HR pipe dream and ... viola: welcome to computer software training. Yay!! (Clap Hands)

Okay, so today was the big day...training on a "new" computer program called Microsoft Project. (Hi, 2003 called and well I guess you forgot to pick up.) So I was already mentally preparing myself to sit in a 3 hour training session to learn what I already knew how to do. Does this seem right? No. Am I in the Twilight Zone? No. Just some crappy classroom.

Well I walk into the classroom and it's me, one other person and the trainer. Half the people taking the class got out of it. (Lucky bastards) So I take a quick scan of the room. I first look at the other poor soul that I will be going through this wonderful experience with and she gives me the look of "you're sure I couldn't get hit by a car or something to get out of this...right?" So I respond with the look, "I already tried that and fell down two flights of stairs on purpose, but they didn't buy it."

Next I look at the trainer and before I know it I'm knocked right between the eyes with an eyeful of a bad 80's flashback and a heapin' side of "damn...sister." Seriously, this lady (trainer) is either not wanting to admit that the 80's are truly gone (let it go) or she dropped acid this morning. Not sure which. So let me describer her for you...

I first noticed the distinctly insane hair. A teased out monstrosity that would make DJ Tanner from the TV show Full House blush. Next was the make-up. I think she used the whole tub. I actually didn't know it was possible to use that much make-up on one human face, but somehow she found a way. She looked fake like a doll...it was creepy! I don't know the first thing about make-up, but I'm sure when you put it on you are to treat it as a highlight/accentuate, and not use it as if you were say painting a house with primer. Then was the blouse...a loud train wreck of color and shapes that sent my eyes into epileptic fits. All highlighted by a white belt hiked clear up to the chest. And lastly topped all off...oh yes...with turquoise fingernail polish. Classy! Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. It was a sight to see. Damn, sister!

So here I sit going through a 3-hour training course as the trainer regales us with long boring stories about every step of the computer program and how it relates to the past events of her life. But here's me...still not caring.

Long story short (too late) after falling asleep with my eyes open (a trick I learned in college) I came to the conclusion that computer training classes are still a bad idea, and the trainers are scary and WAY TOO excited about the computer programs to be sane or at least a contributing member of society. I mean how excited can one get about Microsoft Project? Well go talk to Brenda...she'd love to tell you about some great "opportunities" with Microsoft Project and how it can help get your life on track.

In the meantime, I'll stick to a healthy dose of ignorance and a social life. But thanks anyways, Brenda.

Milton just pass!

Okay I want to start the official petition here and now to outlaw office B-Day parties FOREVER; at least in the office.

Where I work there is this team of people (on a rather large account) that holds office B-Day parties right outside my office at LEAST twice a week. It's a large team of people and it seems to me that everyone has at least two birthdays. I swear people on that account must be like 137 now.

The reason for my frustration is that the whole team (about 20-30 people) comes out of "cubeville" in search of the 4pm sugar fix and then starts talking about 10 volume levels too high. (Bob, your at about a 10 and were going to need you to take it down to about a 4. Okay buddy?) This followed by a lot of random boring forced conversation that no one really cares about nor should be subjected to. ("Hey Bob. Well I'm on this diet so I really shouldn't eat this cake, but it's sooo good. Man, this frosting is sooo rich I wonder if I can get the recipe." and so forth...)

So what you end up with is a boring forced interaction where everyone yells and eats cake...right outside my office. Really easy to get work done, let me tell you.

No offense, congrats Kathy on the B-Day, but damn sister can we take the noise and sugar outside? Seriously!

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Milton...just pass!

Scary Smart or Big Brother?

Well today I pose this question, "Wikipedia.com...Scary Smart OR Big Brother?"

Today a friend of mine brought it to my attention that Wikipedia.com like the Great and Powerful OZ, knows all. To prove this fact, what's really scary is you type in my hometown of Prior Lake, MN and among the standard detailed description it also reads:

"...The lake attracts large beach homes that increases the wealth of the surrounding area. Add this with Mystic Lake Casino which is on the Shakopee-Mdewakanton Indian Reservation and operated by the Shakopee Mdewakanton Sioux Community, Prior Lake is one of the wealthier cities in Minnesota. As a result the students of Prior Lake High School have gained a notoriety for prevalent drug and alcohol abuse."

When I read that I started laughing followed by sudden chills. This is sadly accurate; especially the part about alcohol abuse. My graduating class had the highest underage consumption rate in the state and 7th in the nation. Which means they were all a bunch of lushes or they just happened to be stupid enough to get caught. At any rate, I luckily didn't fall into the PL trap and made something of myself.

However, we are missing the bigger point, which is Wikipedia.com knows too much and must be stopped! Go ahead type in any subject, no matter how obscure. Chances are it will know too much about it along with little hidden mysteries that should forever remain little hidden mysteries.

So is this just a helpful resource, or the tool of some secret covert organization watching us all, gathering information and going unnoticed? Probably not, I just wanted to sound like some crack-pot conspiracy theorist that I usually end up having to sit next to on the bus. Why is it that these crazy people don’t take showers? Well that’s a different question for a different day, I guess.

Seriously though, wikipedia.com, props to you my information brutha. I bow to your scary smartness and will feed your know-it-all ego with obscure questions from the far reaches of cyberspace.

Happy Birthday Mr. Peteryan.com

Happy Birthday Mr. Peteryan.com!! Well it's my friend Pete's 27th birthday today. Wander over to his website and wish him a good ole happy birthday.

Here's a pic of him trying to kill me playing paintball. We're close, really.

Random Pic

Here's a great pic a friend of mine has up in her cube at work. It makes me laugh everytime I see it. Hope you enjoy!