Moron School

So today I once again realized why software training classes for companies are a bad idea. Take a computer program that either (1) is already easy to use, so you don't need training, (2) obsolete, or (3) you will never need in a million years. Then throw in a little company policy and an HR pipe dream and ... viola: welcome to computer software training. Yay!! (Clap Hands)

Okay, so today was the big day...training on a "new" computer program called Microsoft Project. (Hi, 2003 called and well I guess you forgot to pick up.) So I was already mentally preparing myself to sit in a 3 hour training session to learn what I already knew how to do. Does this seem right? No. Am I in the Twilight Zone? No. Just some crappy classroom.

Well I walk into the classroom and it's me, one other person and the trainer. Half the people taking the class got out of it. (Lucky bastards) So I take a quick scan of the room. I first look at the other poor soul that I will be going through this wonderful experience with and she gives me the look of "you're sure I couldn't get hit by a car or something to get out of this...right?" So I respond with the look, "I already tried that and fell down two flights of stairs on purpose, but they didn't buy it."

Next I look at the trainer and before I know it I'm knocked right between the eyes with an eyeful of a bad 80's flashback and a heapin' side of "damn...sister." Seriously, this lady (trainer) is either not wanting to admit that the 80's are truly gone (let it go) or she dropped acid this morning. Not sure which. So let me describer her for you...

I first noticed the distinctly insane hair. A teased out monstrosity that would make DJ Tanner from the TV show Full House blush. Next was the make-up. I think she used the whole tub. I actually didn't know it was possible to use that much make-up on one human face, but somehow she found a way. She looked fake like a doll...it was creepy! I don't know the first thing about make-up, but I'm sure when you put it on you are to treat it as a highlight/accentuate, and not use it as if you were say painting a house with primer. Then was the blouse...a loud train wreck of color and shapes that sent my eyes into epileptic fits. All highlighted by a white belt hiked clear up to the chest. And lastly topped all off...oh yes...with turquoise fingernail polish. Classy! Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. It was a sight to see. Damn, sister!

So here I sit going through a 3-hour training course as the trainer regales us with long boring stories about every step of the computer program and how it relates to the past events of her life. But here's me...still not caring.

Long story short (too late) after falling asleep with my eyes open (a trick I learned in college) I came to the conclusion that computer training classes are still a bad idea, and the trainers are scary and WAY TOO excited about the computer programs to be sane or at least a contributing member of society. I mean how excited can one get about Microsoft Project? Well go talk to Brenda...she'd love to tell you about some great "opportunities" with Microsoft Project and how it can help get your life on track.

In the meantime, I'll stick to a healthy dose of ignorance and a social life. But thanks anyways, Brenda.